


Pants-Off-Dance-Off

by ouro_boros



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Asexual Bill Cipher, Asexual Ford Pines, Blanket Permission, M/M, Non-Binary Bill Cipher, Podfic Welcome, and a whole lot of euphemism, sexual innuendo, the last is just implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 05:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17801855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouro_boros/pseuds/ouro_boros
Summary: Bill has maintained a few forms in his time for different strategies in procuring deals. Some of those strategies are slightly M-rated in nature and those strategies require a desirable, semi-human-ish body. So, Bill's used to people being attracted to him. Just... not when he's a triangle.Written for a challenge to make a fic that's entirely about sex and doesn't use the word once.





	Pants-Off-Dance-Off

**Author's Note:**

> As is usual for this account, I wrote this a while ago and I won't say it's a work of art or anything. But I still think it's pretty funny. I've had a pretty rough day (entirely my fault of course haha) and stupid fics like this always cheer me up, so here it is. Enjoy.

Bill was used to seducing people. He was used to people practically giving away their souls to do the do with him. Did he enjoy it? Hell no. Well… he didn’t enjoy the banoodling part. The souls were pretty nice.

When he was summoned to Gravity Falls, he’d been excited to discover who had done it. Stanford Pines seemed to be a perfectly logical guy who just wanted to unlock the secrets to Gravity Falls. Bill could do that. Logical meant that they know they probably shouldn’t “release the kraken” with supernatural entities, and wanting to unlock Gravity Falls meant that the cycle necessary for him execute his plan was starting again. And for the first few weeks, all went well. Ford had bought that he was a muse, making everything much easier on Bill, and he seemed like he was perfectly capable of building the portal. Hell, the guy had practically started worshipping him! Besides, Fiddleford was always there for him to mess with when Ford wasn’t looking (and sometimes, to Bill's delight, when he was).

However, after the first month, Bill noticed the way Ford looked at him when he thought he couldn’t see. He noticed his lingering smiles and the way he jumped at any chance of psuedo-physical contact with Bill. He noticed how he had agreed to Bill being able to inhabit his body faster than any other portal builder ever had and even seemed excited about it. He noticed all of this until he finally couldn't ignore the truth any longer:

Stanford Pines wanted to do the hibbety-dibbety with a triangle.

At least when normal people wanted to do some aggressive cuddling with him, he was in human form. In fact, the only comforting thing about this revelation was finally understanding all those jealous glares that Fiddleford had directed at Bill. And here he had thought that he was in the clear as soon as Ford assumed Bill used he/him/his pronouns.

Still, as annoying as this was to Bill, it had to be addressed. If the nerd wanted to play nug-a-nug with him and was denied, it could interfere with their work on the portal.

And so, Bill started dropping hints. Little things to let Ford know that he was open for some horizontal refreshment. Still, for as much of a genius as good old six-fingers was, he didn't seem to notice and just kept up with his sighs and stares and _ugh_. Once, Ford had woken up in the middle of the night (four am, actually, but to be fair that was in the middle of his disgustingly small sleeping hours) and had immediately meditated Bill into his head. As if he found Bill's presence comforting or something! This guy needed to get his ashes hauled and fast.  


Finally, after miraculously surviving two weeks of awkward silences, ashamed blushes, "accidental" hand brushing, and entirely unnecessary inhabiting of Ford's body (which Bill was usually all for, but Ford was too and that made the whole thing too weird to properly enjoy), Bill had had enough.

"So if we use this equation and plug in--"

"When the hell are we gonna do the mystery dance?"

Ford looked at him, confused. "What?"

"You know. Assault with a friendly weapon! Making whoopee! Cranking your tractor! The no pants dance!"

"Oh, you mean--" Ford stopped himself as a blush engulfed his face. "I uh.. don't really... I'm not into," he cleared his throat, "that."

There was a moment of silence. An awkward moment of silence, which would be one of the last between them.

Then, Bill exclaimed in his already loud voice, "Thank God! Do you know how many centuries worth of people I've danced the paphian jig with? Too many. It's so boring! How do people stand it?"

As Bill continued on his speech, Ford smiled. Not that he would he ever admit it to Bill, but Ford found it incredibly cute whenever he went off like this.

Unfortunately, Bill noticed this change of expression. He narrowed his eye in suspicion and said, “Wait a second. If that wasn't what you wanted, what was all that,” he vaguely gestured to Ford, “ _stuff_ about?”

“Oh, well, I uh…” He looked off to the right and scratched the back of his head. “I may have some… Um. Feelings, for you, that don't, uh, involve… That?” 

Bill stared at him, singular uncomprehending eye rather flustering in this context.

“I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.”

“The… It's um…” Ford struggled to come up with an example of what he was trying to get across. “You know the love gods?”

“Ugh. I hate those guys.”

“Me too!” Ford exclaimed. Then, ashamed of his excitement for shared hatred, flushed and quieted. “And you know those love potions on their belts?”

"You got splashed, didn't you?"

“No! I just… The symptoms they cause, they're based off regular human emotion, a sort of… friendship?”

“I thought we were already friends.”

“We are! We are. I guess it's more an… Intimate partnership.”

“And that's what you want with me."

"...Yes?”

Bill was used to seducing people for the sake of doing diddies, but this concept of… intimate partnership, was entirely new to him.

He studied Ford's hopeful expression. He knew that if he refused, it could be a deal breaker. Or it could make Ford look twice at him and realize he wasn't a muse at all. Still, he was Bill Cipher, not some easily influenced equilateral. And there _was_ always the next century...

But he took a bit to consider this. If he told Ford yes, would that make him more efficient? Would his lack of wistful sighs add to the time he spent working?

Huh. Maybe this could work out in his favor after all.

"Okay," he said.

"Okay?"

"Sure. Intimate partnership. Why not?"

It couldn't be worse than having sex.


End file.
